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Ready Meal


So I’ve been promising this to a few people for some time. The (in)famous Ready Meal email.

(I should point out at this juncture that I am very much not in the habit of sharing details of people’s innermost fantasies. However, this was clearly a copy and paste email the guy had sent to every pro girl going, without bothering to acknowledge that the good majority of us do not offer sex in services, or turn up at people’s homes like kinky assassins, and so for that reason, I’m reproducing it here without his identifying details.)

I received the following message in Spring last year. Obviously I get quite a lot of emails, and of that number, there’s a good amount of fantasist bullshit – it usually has the same hallmarks: there’s no proper introduction, it’s copy/pasted, there’s clearly no intention that the person wishes to book a session or even ask a genuine question. However most often these missives come in a short paragraph – “Want u to spnk me full force to tears in public whilst u sit on my face until I beg for mercy.” is a reasonable summary of many of these.

Usually the immediate reaction is to delete. But this one came through, and for some reason I was feeling creative. So I replied.

Firstly the initial email:

I have this fantasy Mistress I would love you to consider, really hate if others would watch also:

Love you to be a dominant school girl and wear just a white buttoned blouse, no bra, a short dark skirt, black thong, and black shoes of your choice.

You would order me to strip naked for you as soon as we meet and onto my knees for you.

You would then tie my hands at the front. You would sit on a chair and order me to bend over your knee. Next you would spank my arse by hand as long and hard as you wish.

After which you would order me to stand up. Next you would untie my hands at the front and tie my hands behind my back.

After which you pull me around your place by my worthless cock where and for how long as you wish. Stopping occasionally ordering me to open my mouth, when you would spit down my throat or over my face as you wished. I hate being spat at. When done you would French-Kiss me and then you would untie me.

You would order me open a patio door’s or window’s curtain and to press my naked body against the glass facing outside. You would press against me and count to at least fifteen slowly before allowing me to move. You would whisper in my ear how silly I looked and all your neighbours can see me. I would hate this. When I move away from the door I should close the curtain. Then stand in the middle of the room for you.

You would cook the ready meal in the microwave. You would remove your shoes and then stand in front of me and order me to slowly remove your black skirt and white blouse only for you. Then I must stand again the middle of the room, arms at my side and not move.

Next you would stand behind me, press your pert body against me, then reach around my body and slap my worthless cock hard five times. After which you would move slowly around to the front of my body, facing me. After which you would bite my nipples hard three times each and then slowly slide down my body and bite the shaft of my cock very hard three times.

Next you would put my boxer shorts back on. Order me to lie down in the middle of the floor. You would pour the hot ready meal into my boxers. Then you would trample in your bare feet over my boxer shorts crushing all the food. You may feed me or not as you wish. Lastly you would remove my boxers and leave on the floor for later. This is my evening meal.

Next you order me to kneel astride your body facing your sexy face. You would masturbate my cock by hand, bringing me close to Cumming twice, or as that I could take anymore.

Finally making me explode all of my cum over pert breasts or feet. After which you would order me to lick up and swallow all of it. I would show my mouth is empty when done. After which you would order me to stay kneel for you.

You would next dress ready to leave. You would selotape a choc bar to my cock. Replace my boxer shorts before you order me to dress. You would give me a French-Kiss me before you leave my home and squeeze my cock and choc bar.

Please instruct me what hot/cold food I must buy??? I would want you to choose for me.

Slave Bob xxx

Naturally I had not seen a work of prose of this quality since I accidentally used the back cover of Katie Price’s “Perfect Ponies” to wipe tomato puree off my silk blouse.

I couldn’t not reply. It made me miss a train, and fail to deliver a donated kidney to a dying kitten, but the response was within me immediately, and to hell with the consequences.

Dear Slave Bob,

Thank you for your email.

I feel the most suitable ready-meal to complement this fantasy would be a Chicken Tikka Lasagne, which I believe only comes in a “family” size, so I hope your boxer shorts are large enough to accommodate this with no loss of product. It is important that when piercing the film to heat this that you stab it five times only.

I feel it should perhaps be combined with dessert rather than separate, given that it is to be your evening meal.

Dessert should be two McDonald’s Apple Pies, which should be fresh, so this may involve either you arriving straight from the restaurant or my arranging for my companion Marva’yne who works in middle management there to bring them during the session.

As for the chocolate bar, this is a tricky choice: It would be unfortunate and ungainly if it turned out to be too bulky for your spent member.

I suggest a Caramel Freddo, formerly known as a Taz Bar. I usually find sellotape a little ineffective when taping dairy or confectionary products to genitalia, so you will need to provide two strips of white gaffer tape instead, both exactly 28cm long and ready for me to wrap.

To compliment this perhaps a couple of Ferrero Rocher should be taped to your testicles as well? Should this prove tricky due to lack of surface area I have a crafting glue gun which takes no time at all to heat up and is very effective on most materials.

With Kind Regards

Miss Hunter

And yes, he did reply within 12 minutes to ask how to book.

6 responses

  1. You would cook the ready meal in the microwave.

    That line startled a laugh out of me, but the whole of your reply had me gasping for air 🙂 Genius.

    January 15, 2012 at 2:52 pm

  2. My favourite classic story. Ever. It still makes me laugh until I shake 🙂

    January 15, 2012 at 3:14 pm

  3. Master Retep

    … and then what … ?? Please put us out of our agony.

    January 15, 2012 at 4:09 pm

  4. Mr Allen

    I was literally crying with laughter when I first read this, so pleased you have published for posterity.

    If you decide to session with this person and require a glue gun, just let me know 😉

    January 15, 2012 at 4:28 pm

  5. You had me at Freddo 😀 Perfect!

    January 16, 2012 at 1:41 pm

  6. 😉 As I said to some folk at the time; had he not been asking for things like hand relief and french kissing then I would have actually considered the ready-meal/trampling elements. Lord knows I’m game for a laugh.

    But no, it went no further. And I have a glue gun and a sick mind, Mr Allen – it’s one of my FB quotes! 😉

    January 16, 2012 at 10:30 pm

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