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Job Application

Obviously I get a lot of what I affectionately term Absolute Bullshit in my email inbox. Invariably, something like the following would normally be ignored just like the other illiterate sex-requests.

But- like a moth to a flame, a wasp to a lemonade, or a cream pie to Rupert Murdoch – I was inexplicably drawn to this missive.
(ok, I was actually killing time whilst waiting for a software update to finish, but that’s way less romantic.)

Hello I am DeSi James from india. i like to work in misshunter. i am a male and i want to suck pusyy and fuck miss hunter. but i want training. how much you will pay me.

I know, right? It’s like OK Cupid and Fish4Jobs spliced the code for their respective pages together and then got a toddler to walk over the keyboard. In other words; irresistible.

Here is my reply:

Dear DeSi

At present, Misshunter are not accepting new applications for apprenticeships or contract positions, with the exception of Travel Agents and Property Buyers.
If you are interested to apply for these positions then do send a full Curriculum Vitae with covering letter, along with the correct processing fee of £25, which will of course be tax-deductible if you are registered self-employed.

Best wishes

All at MissHunter

I have to be honest, I did actually think he’d either get lost or send me an abusive reply after that. but no:

Dear misshunter,
plz send me the address so i can send my cv to your address & how can i pay 25 poud fee?

Oh. OK. Well in that case:

Dear DeSi

As we are in the UK, it is a big weekend for us with the Queen’s Jubilee Holiday, so it is best to send your CV and letter to our email.

The application fee can be sent by Amazon Voucher, also to this email.

Best wishes

MissHunter

Now I don’t really do the whole “FinDom” thing and demand money off guys for the simple reason that I want to, or that I can. Fair play to those who do, it’s just not how I run things.
Sometimes people get me a wee gift from my wish list, which is very generous of them and always very much appreciated (especially around my birthday, which would be June 2nd, gentlemen!) and sometimes folk send me an Amazon voucher for something they’ve bought from me, or as a session deposit. But it is not a policy of mine to ask people to pay so I read their contact with me, just in case you were getting worried.

I, again, didn’t expect a reply to this, but he still came back:

Dear, Mis A Hunter,
If i am selcted after sending my CV, what job i have to do?

Oh, I appear to have graduated to almost an actual person here. Weird. But hey, I was on a bus and bored. Of course I replied:

Dear DeSi

As mentioned before, the few vacancies we sometimes have come up are in Travel (arranging and booking trains, flights, hotels and cars) and Property (studio scouting and rental/contract arrangements) – we obviously receive several applications from interested people though, hence requiring a CV.

Regards

MissHunter

Now I’d love to tell you he twigged after this and just stopped replying, or told me to piss off, or something. (I’d also love to tell you that he totally sent the application fee, as morally reprehensible as that would be- he hasn’t. Yet. )

Alas no, he sent me his full CV.
I’m not going to post it here for the primary reason that he included a whole load of identifiable details on it, contact and family/education info, as well as potentially sensitive information about working with adolescents, schools and hospitals. Wowser.

Instead I’ve just told him that we can’t process the application without the fee, and hell, if he does send it then I’ll just consider it a birthday card from an alarmingly dumb stranger. Such is life.

2 responses

  1. You lead such an interesting life. Even your spammers play with you.

    This is amazing. I hope you get the voucher.

    May 31, 2012 at 4:15 pm

  2. nick2209

    Very witty. Have you read the brilliant ‘Bob Servant Emails’ by Neil Forsyth on this sort of theme?

    June 1, 2012 at 10:49 pm

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