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More email funsies

Naturally I’ve randomly baited another email-troll. I’m not entirely sure where this comes on the “lowest form of wit” scale: under sarcasm, or slightly above it.

Regardless, when I’m on trains I tend to find myself at a loose end, and torn between reading my eBay feedback, pulling off split ends, or amusing myself with shit that not many other people find funny, I’m going to plump for the latter.

Anyway. This week’s playtime came courtesy of “d”.

If nothing else, please do enjoy the following missive as a work of abject subservience, and a workshop in How Not To Find A Mistress.

*down on bended knees, nose to the ground*


i, slave *doggy*, am humbly kneeled down and hereby ask permission to serve Divine Goddess Amy as my legitimate Owner.

i fully understand and agree that this is only on a complete voluntary basis. Once i enter Her service, i will serve with my whole body, mind, and soul.

And i promise that i will ALWAYS be a very loyal and obedient servant and 24/7 money $lave.

i promise that i will remain faithful to my Divine Goddess, and will NOT serve Anyone else but Herself – and Her Supreme Family – while under Contract.

If i do violate this Rule, i fully understand that i will be terminated immediately, no questions asked.

Princess Amy is the sole Owner of my mind, body, and spirit.

She is my Deity, and i am Her Personal servant and (money) $lave for life. i am in no position to fail Her nor quit at any time.

i shall be bound to this commitment and will work VERY hard to fulfil all my duties, so i will be able to take my full responsibility and be used to the fullest.

As Owned 24/7 property i fully agree that i shall have to pay ALL the bills and expenses, rent, as well as being responsible for the entire upkeep and well-being of my Goddess.

i shall serve my Owner on bleeding knees and work at least 19 hours a day in total chastity since i owe Her my life. my only purpose is to be drained for life and to go into debt if needed.

i shall accept my destiny and fate to be used as the lifelong property of the Goddess and serve Her Beloved Ones on bended knees at all times, since They are ALL my Superiors.

i will promise to Obey, to Serve, and to Worship my Goddess without hesitation and do whatever is needed to make Her happy.

By signing this Application, i am turning over ALL my rights to Divine Goddess Amy while kissing Her Majestic feet in devotion and gratitude.

PLEASE, Your Highness?

Your devoted and humble $lave for life,

*doggy* (d.)

[Owned 24/7 property and Personal $lave of Her Divine Highness, Goddess Amy Hunter]

Somebody actually typed all of that out. And quite possibly typed it out with one hand, as it does smack rather of “frantic keyboard jerk-off”.
Not only that, but in order to mercilessly sodomise the English Language quite to the extent he does, he must have made extra effort to decline things like the auto-spell checks for all the “i” references. What a champ!

Let’s see how disparaging I can be without actually making it too obvious:

Dear *doggy*

Thank you for your email and initial application. It was well-timed indeed, as my previous full-time slave violated his contract just last week and I was sadly required to terminate him.

One of your first tasks will be to locate a large source of Calcium Oxide and a tarpaulin. Can you confirm you are fit and healthy with no back problems? There will be heavy lifting involved.

Best wishes

Supreme Princess Hunter

Before the pedants start; yes, I am well aware that quicklime doesn’t actually dissolve bodies. What the hell do you take me for, some sort of amateur?

I was rather chuffed with Supreme Princess Hunter. I think it was just on the right side of preposterous without making it blatant that I’m taking the piss.
Slave *doggy* agreed. I was treated to another spurt of grovel ejaculate:

Dear Superior One, Goddess Hunter, Your Highness,

Fully understood!! i just had surgery on my wrist and elbow last year….

i am still kneeled down on bare knees to beg You most humbly for permission to send You my slave Contract for review, PLEASE? (my Sister is a Pro Domme and She insists).
i hope and pray that this means enslavement for life, correct?
i am experienced, i have been a live-in butlerboy (house slave) for almost 5 years in the U.K., but i really need a new collar and leash. i wanna be a good dog and slave slut *begging*

Will the Master (Your Boyfriend/Husband?) accept me too on Your behalf, please? i fear You both but i hope to get trained online soon…. i am so grateful i have found You now, so i am eager to turn over all my rights to my new Owner(s)…. *kissing Your toes in awe and gratitude*

Your applicant slut d/doggy

Right-oh, tiger. Your sister’s a Pro-Domme? Then why not serve her?
Oh. That’s right; because it would be weird.

Anyway, wait a moment. Where did all this “slut” business come from?
I thought my new Slave For Life (which does rather make it sound like I paid 10p for him at the Tesco checkout.) was working 19 hours a day in total chastity? Or maybe he’s just planning on being a slut the other 5 hours of the day?

I had a good chuckle about how Mr Hunter would react if faced with a dude on the floor in front of him pretending to be a dog, with bleeding knees, agonising over what glasses to put out for the fish course that evening and veering dramatically between chaste and sluttish.

Sadly I’d now decided I couldn’t really be bothered continuing this, as the detergent drawer in the washing machine needed disinfecting, and I also needed to do some work that would actually result in some sort of financial gain. Still, on the off chance that he might be exceptionally dumb, I sent a quick reply.
(It was quick for the main reason of my walking up a huge hill in the rain, at the time.)

Dear d/doggy

You clearly have very tough knees, I applaud this.

I was required to use another slave for my more urgent task, so your wrist and elbow are saved for now.

Your contract should be accompanied by a full CV of education information, and should be fully spell-checked. I require correct grammar at all times.

I obviously receive many applications for slave roles, so there may be a short-list situation with addition application procedures and expenses.

I trust this is not a problem.


The Divine Duchess Hunter of Unlimited Satirical Prowess.

Turns out that self-imposed title may have been what pushed it too far, as he never replied.

One adjective too many, I fear…

One response

  1. I love you.

    July 14, 2012 at 1:45 am

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